make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
