The maid of honor just puked.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
