I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
