I just pynch a tree in the face
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
either way he was missing a nipple.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
