Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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