May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
