If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
