True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
