i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
