your parents love me but you hate me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
