when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
