I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
