One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
