my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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