Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
