before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
