He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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