Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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