So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
