And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
