It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Terrible idea I love it
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
