My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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