Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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