She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
