tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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