They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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