and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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