I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
