Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
