Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
