I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
