did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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