I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
