3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
