I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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