i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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