If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
