I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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