I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
