I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
