today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
