Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
