Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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