I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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