My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
