the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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