mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
