i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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