Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
