Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
