I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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